living

truly living is not always so great.
being AWARE is difficult.
it is a difficult habit to get into
and it is an uncomfortable place to stay.
when we are living,
when we are aware,
we see in ourselves
things like
depression, sadness, grief, despair,
worry, anxiety, insecurity, jealousy,
restlessness, discontent,
maybe even hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness.
we have moments of not knowing "how" or "why"
and we succumb to the sadness.
it's important to walk into those moments courageously,
and it's important to recognize them,
even embrace them as a real part of who we are,
WHERE we are at that time in our lives.
it is equally important not to stay,
not to let those moments wash over us endlessly,
again and again and again like crashing waves,
so that we are left gasping for air,
so that we are left drowning in their darkness.
when we choose to live,
when we choose to be aware,
we can also choose what we see,
what we dwell on.
we can choose
gratitude
for the smallest thing,
for a glass of ice water
or a hot shower that washes off the "dirt" of the day.
we can watch a baby,
(there's usually one around somewhere!)
in itself, watching a baby or toddler
 brings a moment of presence,
and if we're lucky,
or if "someone somewhere" knows the depth of our sadness,
that baby or toddler will smile at us,
and THAT is something
that can completely transport us out of ourselves,
unless you don't like kids,
in which case you're gonna have to look for, or hope for,
that thing LIKE the smile of a child
that will take you outside of yourself long enough to see there IS an outside of yourself.
i am trying to live
aware,
especially when it is easier or more desirable
to "check out."
i am trying to live with myself, inside myself, outside myself,
and to know and choose
when the right time is
to do all those different kinds of living,
the goal for me being
to live
"joyously,
drunkenly,
serenely,
"divinely aware."