We are Amy and Gail Shingler, sisters-in-law and friends!

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Monday, October 15, 2012

becoming a whole person or just becoming whole part 2

i'm going to change this stream of consciousness to "becoming whole" instead of "becoming a whole person," because i am already wholly a person, it's what gets me in to trouble!

it is getting in touch with the SPIRIT, the ENERGY, the LIFEFORCE that is inside this shell, inside my skin and bones, that moves me toward true WHOLE-ness...so, how does one do that, how am i doing this now?  i am finding times to be quiet that don't involve t.v., that don't involve filling all the empty space around me with conversation, music, talk radio, ringing phones, aka: NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!  i just say "NO," i just turn it all off...

since i was young my spirit gravitated toward silence...emotional chaos, physical chaos, psychological chaos tornado-ed through my life on a regular basis, and for the longest time i could not understand why quiet, gentle, tenderhearted, sensitive me landed in the midst of this violently destructive dance, a dance that had already been going on for years amongst 6 people before i came along!  (i understand now, and i am grateful, but that's another story for another day)

my mother once told me i was a smiley, happy baby...i believe her, but a baby turns into an aware, awake child, and what was going on around me attacked my consciousness so brutally, that the smiley, happy me spent most of her time and energy seeking refuge...in forts or tree houses, at school, on swings, at neighbor's homes, on my banana-seated bicycle, in books, in any quiet space i could find to "hide"---

in my own way, as a very young person, i sought out places and times to get in touch with TRUTH, with the DIVINE, with the REAL ME, under the guise of "escape," but the day-to-day life i was living was full of hiding and lying and crying and yelling and belittling, some i was doing to others and some was done to me, but all of it was going on, every single day...i take that back, i grew up surrounded by all those things and grew to do all of those things to others because they were modeled for me...

that smiley, happy baby-me knew who she was, knew who she was meant to be, knew her greatest potential!  that is actually the state in which i think we are all born, that state of KNOWING...and then, we mix and mingle with our environment, and it has an affect on that knowing...we begin to question that knowing, we begin to question our potential, we begin to question our value, and our behaviors and thoughts indicate we have lost our knowing, our understanding of our 'birth rights!'

i am certain that all the time i spent as a child and teenager seeking QUIET was, in my own unconscious/subconscious ways, a means to staying in touch with SPIRIT, and i believe it is what 'saved me' from becoming a complete victim of my environment, what allowed that happy, smiley-me to continue showing herself in the midst of great turmoil and confusion and pain...i did not escape unscathed, all that lying and crying and yelling and belittling left me with the huge task of walking toward, and through, major issues and habits that were not a part of thriving!  and all that hiding left me with a habit of hiding!  

turning off the noise, intentionally creating QUIET in my life, has made it so that many of those issues and habits no longer have a home in me...the QUIET has made space for the REAL ME, a more WHOLE me, to grow and take root...continuing to make time for QUIET helps me feel, look at, and work with residual pains, and it prepares me for life's curveballs...

may we all make time for quiet, so quiet that all we can hear is our breath...may we be aware that there is a power and a truth and life to be in touch with...may we find all this in spite of our chaotic pasts and presents...may we regain that KNOWING, that absolute understanding of our potential and belief that we were placed here to learn and grow and help others do the same, making no apologies, just walking on this planet STRONG and WISE, AMAZING and INSPIRING ourselves and, if we're blessed enough, maybe one or two others!

1 comment:

  1. WoW! Thank you for your transparency and your sharing. Awesome writing! I was just talking to Brad about how we as humans seem to gravitate toward "doing" and we do not take time for just "being". Sometimes I have thought it was hard because I was not being productive but it is when I turn off the noise and allow peace to flood in that I actually am more productive. It is essential to allow the quiet to be part of our life...daily.